Your Ideal Sex Partner, Based on Your Zodiac Sign

Sisi Yu

To celebrate Valentines Day, Them is diving deep into queer sex, love, and relationships all week long. Read more here.

When it comes to matters of the heart, it’s best to carefully contemplate the virtues of love and enduring commitment… but, nah, let’s not. Instead, let’s daydream about some extremely temporary (but eternally memorable) sexual encounters. That’s right, I’m here with a guide on who to screw based on your zodiac sign. We’re here for a good time, not a long time. Look for lasting relationship advice somewhere else.

Realistically, you should never discount someone as a dating prospect based on their astrological chart. People are complicated, sun signs don’t tell the whole story, and banishing someone from your pool of potential partners solely because of their birthdate is bad practice. But in a hypothetical sense, zodiac generalizations are fun! It’s even more fun to imagine which signs we might have the most sexual chemistry with, whether or not we’d want to enter a more lasting situation with them. When it comes to erotic attraction, qualities that might normally discount a suitor from consideration as a forever-partner can prove intensely appealing. After all, a little friction is key to physical gratification.

That’s why I’m focusing this particular articular on couples that clash. On paper, these matches make for long-term disaster, but as a frisky one-time liaison? Whew, they can never be forgotten. Here’s how this is gonna work: we’ll pair up six “forbidden” couples who probably shouldn’t date, but should definitely consider spending some time alone together in a darkened room. Keep an open mind while reading, or perhaps spread your imagination just a little bit wider. If you’re already devoted to one of the proscribed relationships, take my condemnation with a grain of salt. Everybody else is probably just jealous of your insatiably salacious chemistry. Let’s begin.

Virgo and Aries

Virgo needs to maintain control over everything around them at all times. Aries hates being told what to do. Cooperation between these two is liable to erupt in a volcanic cataclysm of earth and fire energy. That’s not much fun if you need to have a conversation about utility bills, but it can certainly be spectacular in the bedroom.

Aries are highly competitive; they live to exceed expectations. Virgos are perpetual perfectionists; they’re never impressed. Virgo won’t admit they’re ablaze for Aries, even as the heat turns up. Meanwhile, Aries, who thrives on never-ending challenge, will not stop escalating the tension.

“That’s all?” Virgo breathlessly pants after round three.

“You thought we were done?” Aries says, licking the sweat off of Virgo’s skin.

“That was OK, I guess,” Virgo gasps hours later.

Aries laughs, amused by the understatement, and flips Virgo over to start again.

Virgo and Aries are a classic enemies-to-lovers situation. Instant hatred gives way to impassioned yearning, and before you know it, Virgo and Aries have vanished from their respective friend groups for days on end. When they finally stagger back into society after finishing whatever they were up to in secret, they both refuse to acknowledge the incident or make eye contact with each other in public.

Even if they weren’t too stubborn to actually give dating a try, a relationship between Virgo and Aries would likely be doomed. They’d simply fight, fornicate, then attempt to forget each other again and again in sequence. They might repeat the pattern a time or seven, just to be sure they still loathe each other, but you’ll never extract a confession of it from either of them.

Gemini and Scorpio

Individually, Gemini and Scorpio often show up at the top of other signs’ “do not date” lists. Together, they’re a magnificent nightmare.

This duo is basically only capable of bonding with each other through physical touch. Any other attempt at communication between the signs devolves into an icy swirl of confusion. Gemini seeks novelty, distraction, a fleeting instant of forgettable fun. Scorpio wants to suck out Gem’s soul and stash it in their void of conquests. Gemini’s cheerful refusal to surrender the keys to their consciousness beguiles Scorpio, but Scorp’s redoubled efforts only enchant Gemini in turn.

Both halves of this pairing are notoriously daring. Left alone in a room — or a closet or a bathroom stall — they’ll figure out how to have a good time! That’s just the first step. Sex is only a small part of the real erotic connection between Gemini and Scorpio. What happens individually in their own minds after the fact is the more important component of their chemistry. Scorpio continues to suspect further depths they never discovered in Gemini, which drives them wild with frustration. Gemini would have liked to actually date Scorpio, maybe, they think, but unfortunately Gem forgot to save Scorp’s contact information in their phone.

Scorpio would die before being caught chasing after Gemini, so instead they secretly harbor fantasies about bumping into Gemini again and somehow rendering them similarly obsessed. (Gemini would pursue Scorpio if they ran into them again, but look! They saw a kite, then got into an interesting conversation at the bus stop, and now suddenly months have gone by.) Scorpio takes forever to relinquish their fixation on Gemini, then at last gets over it. Gemini continues to fondly regret their amazing night with Scorpio, but only when memory of the tryst happens to flit through their mind.

Taurus and Aquarius

Taurus and Aquarius seemingly have little in common. Taurus tends toward nesting habits. They need to be comfortable, and love to stay at home. Aquarius spends most of their waking mental journey drifting through outer space, barely cognizant of their surroundings. Taurus values security, while Aquarius fears stagnancy. The two are not particularly compatible in their priorities.

But for the past several years (and two more yet to come), Taurus and Aquarius share a unique attachment. From May 2018 until April 2026, the planet Aquarian sign ruler Uranus spends a fraction of its 84-year orbit traveling through Taurus. During this window, while Aquarius’s patron planet is inside of Taurus, the two disparate signs are presented with a rare opportunity to, um, replicate a similar dynamic with each other.

Sexual congress between Aquarius and Taurus is an uncanny interdimensional experience. It’s a brief, brilliant love story between a space alien who crash lands on Earth and the hospitable farmer who shelters them from discovery by ominous human authorities. They can’t understand each other through typical methods of communication, but their unspoken bond transcends logic, intertwining brainwaves and bodily sensations in a singularly glorious experience. Taurus provides Aquarius with safety, beauty, and nourishment. Aquarius brings a wondrous new outlook on the universe right into Taurus’s own home, offering adventure without requiring Taurus to actually go outside.

They may never see each other again afterward, but both Taurus and Aquarius will remain forever changed by the time they spent with each other. Neither is likely to tell anyone else about the affair. Who else could possibly comprehend the enormity of what took place?

Leo and Libra

Gut-wrenchingly gorgeous, the aesthetic potential of this pair is astonishing. That’s sort of their problem as a long-term prospect. Two superstars who soak up all of the oxygen in the room eventually deprive each other of the fuel they need to keep shining. Libra might attempt to dim down their glow to impose balance, but they can’t dull their natural luster forever, and their full brilliance is certain to eclipse even Leo’s light. In case all these metaphors aren’t making it clear enough, this match-up is highly incendiary!

But the thrill of mutually destructive danger only makes this pairing more irresistible. An affair between the two unfolds like a sex scene from the highest-budget prestige drama. There are no bad angles. Unflattering lighting is impossible, even under fluorescent bulbs. Transitions between positions are so smooth they seem choreographed, and slo-mo kicks in at all the right times. Both partners have excellent taste, and any musical soundtrack they might choose as accompaniment will assuredly be worthy of awards. Leo and Libra are known to maintain an awareness of their own reputations, and neither would ever allow a paramour to leave their presence unsatisfied. In each other’s company, both will feel especially eager to impress, leading to exquisite outcomes. Together, Libra and Leo are the stuff of sexual legend.

But then, once they’re finished, Leo and Libra had better beat a hasty retreat before they start getting on each other’s nerves. This can happen fast, so both should remain ready to jump back into their clothes and sashay away at speed. Nothing gold can stay, Ponyboy, and the commingled gleam of Libra and Leo is much too bright to last for more than one night in this mundane world.

Cancer and Pisces

There is no solidity to be found in a Cancer/Pisces relationship. No, there’s nothing here but vast, endless oceans of feeling. This partnership is largely unworkable in an unsentimental world. If one partner finds the other in a bad mood, even once, neither will ever be able to stop the chain reaction of sadness that results. But if it’s just a temporary fling Cancer and Pisces are looking for, well! You’re certainly not going to find any couple who’s capable of getting wetter!

A Cancer and Pisces “one-night stand” lasts for at least a week. Both of these signs get really absorbed in whatever — or whoever — they’re doing. Time ceases to exist until their fascination is fully, finally sated. If your Cancer friend goes home with a Pisces, or vice versa, you should probably give them a month, minimum, to recover and resume contact before reporting them missing. Do not fear for their physical safety! They are happily melting into liquid form, merging fluids in ecstatic, inventive concentrations.

Emotional well-being is another matter. Neither Cancer or Pisces is going to flow away from their entanglement unaffected. Honestly, that amount of orgasms would probably mess with anybody’s mind. Cancer will have the decency to wear their post-coital depression openly. Pisces will front like everything’s fine, while they spend weeks grieving the end of the dalliance.

Capricorn and Sagittarius

These two are the leads of every romantic comedy: the ambitious, career-minded pragmatist, and the reckless goofball whose whimsical wardrobe and relentless good luck infuriate the former. And rightfully so! While fiction insists that the power of love can compel even the most tightly wound professional to flee their desk and frolic after a free-spirited crush during work hours, flesh-and-blood Capricorns know that the bills need to be paid. Would any Cap/Sag-coded couple from a rom-com last a month beyond their happily-ever-after, roll credits? Respectfully: Hahaha, hahahaha! No.

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Good rom-coms are rare. Good queer rom-coms are even rarer.

But there’s a reason these narratives capture our collective imagination, and it carries through to real life: chemistry. Capricorn envies the insouciant abandon of Sagittarius, though they’d never want to mimic it personally. Sag finds Cap forbiddingly alluring, like a padlocked door that says “NO TRESPASSING.” Unlike a rom-com, neither of these people actually want to change each other. But! Just like the movies, the flinty sparks of their verbal collisions might make Capricorn and Sagittarius feel a little hot under the collar, and perhaps even wish to take off some clothing while they continue their banter.

If Sagittarius musters sufficient charm to cajole Capricorn into a few hours of frivolity, the hotness of their encounter can’t properly be condensed into a single paragraph. Think of the best screwball comedies, then imagine the freaky stuff those sparring partners probably got up to behind closed doors. That’s the vibe of a queer Sag and Cap pairing who have decided to really go for it. A ridiculous amount of enjoyment will be had by all.

Not that any of the rest of us will ever hear about it. Capricorn is ever discreet, as a matter of course, and Sagittarius never tells anybody anything because doing so doesn’t even occur to them. And yet, wow. This combo pushes each other to the absolute brink of vexation, and that’s exactly why they’re perfect for a one-off indulgence of intimacy.

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Originally Appeared on them.